my life is an actual fucking joke please someone help me LMAOOOO FUCK MY LIFE WHY DID I GET MYSELF INT OTHIS

I started off this year in a really bad place, I was in a relationship that wasn’t even making me happy and I was constantly feeling like I wasn’t good enough (quote from my tumblr, Jan ‘16: “It feels like I’m mourning something that I haven’t even lost - I wish I was good enough.” like how frickin sad!!). I had terrible self confidence, and I struggled to believe that I belonged any of the good things that happened to me. i didn’t believe in myself at all. I constantly questioned if I could ever do the career that my heart has been so set on and I always told myself I just got lucky with all my accomplishments, like good grades and getting into the honor society. Honestly, a large part of that is because of that relationship - a lot of my achievements were belittled by my then boyfriend who always had to be right and thought he was the smartest person in the world. Aside from that, I can’t help but acknowledge how proud of myself I am for the accomplishments I once couldn’t own looking back. I became an executive board member of one of the largest honor societies in our country, I challenged myself and I got involved in my community. I identify as a leader now, which is something people always said to me but I never felt comfortable saying. I like to direct people. I like to help people, and those are great traits. I helped my honor society induct over 100 new members this semester through my public relations work, and for half of the school year I was working two jobs and still managed straight As that semester. I have a work ethic I never would have dreamed of in high school, and quite frankly I never even pictured myself getting this far and excelling so much. It’s amazing that I got to where I am, and I can thank myself for it. I’ve worked so hard. I want my career so badly, and I will do whatever I can to make sure I reach that goal. It’s everything to me. I learned so much about work ethic, motivation, and responsibility this year. March was easily one of the hardest months of my life, because that’s when that same toxic boyfriend mentioned earlier broke up with me, when in reality - it probably should have been the other way around. He broke up with me an hour before I had to go to work, and a less responsible version of me would have called out with 10 minutes before my shift starting but I stuck out that shift. I didn’t cry, my mind was racing, and I felt like I was dying a lil bit, but I stayed. I am so proud of myself for that, because it felt like my world was crashing down. I had one of the best summers of my life and learned to be myself again. I realized how much a relationship can dictate your life, and I hope that I can find someone who doesn’t make me lose who I am like I did this time. The most beautiful thing about that break up was becoming myself again, getting more invested in my own interests that I pushed aside unknowingly by being so obsessively in love with that asshole and really cultivating some deep, amazing, and genuine friendships again. I pushed so many people away, even if it was just a little. And every emotion I had revolved around that person. That’s why this summer was such a liberating time of my life, and I had so much fun. I spent so much time with the people I love, my best friends, my family. I genuinely felt like my life was perfect over the summer, thanks to all the memories I made that I know I could never forget. I got revenge on that asshole who broke my heart too, even though it sorta backfired it felt good to stand up for myself and it just felt good knowing I probably pissed him off and inconvenienced him. After finding out all the shit he did behind my back, I just wanted him to be bothered by me and I wasn’t going to let him live down how shitty he treated me. I was pretty immature about it and a lot of that was due to the fact I wasn’t over it for a while, because it’s hard when you’ve spent nearly 2 years with someone that you had the best chemistry with. I’ve grown a lot and I’ve just come to accept that he’s a dick, he’ll always be one and I did the right thing completely cutting him out of my life. I’m better than I have ever been and closer to my friends than ever before. It feels great knowing i have a circle of people who genuinely have my best interest in mind, and that was just reiterated at my friend’s new years eve party. I had so much fun talking to all the different people I met this year and hung out with, it literally felt amazing just being with practically everyone I’m friends with having a great time. I love my friends to death, I think I’d have lost my mind by now without them. I’m so grateful for all of the good things that happened to me this year, and even the bad things turned out being for the good. Except Trump becoming president. Nothing good came out of that, and I highly doubt anything will. But yeah, it was a great year. I’m now more confident than I’ve ever been. I’m so happy. I’m so proud of all the obstacles I tackled, like anatomy and physiology, for example. I never thought I would be able to get a B in that class, but I did! My GPA ended as a 3.7, but I can bring it up. ANYWAYS. GOOD YEAR. GOOD SHIT. PEACE OUT

I fucking hate how hard it is to do OT. I feel like I’m fucking doomed right now and I’m obviously going to end up never becoming one, so now I need to figure out what the fuck to do.